It’s about starting over . com

Originally posted on December 3, 2006

 In planning Ray’s one-year memorial, I looked at both the Hebrew date of his death (which fell on November 24th - Thanksgiving [US]) and the Gregorian date (which is December 3rd…today). I had wanted the gathering to fall on one of those dates, but they both landed on inconvenient days, so we arranged it for a Friday in-between - December 1st. It was a nice gathering. But I remember asking myself which was the true anniversary? And what significance did it have anyway?

At the gathering, one of Ray’s closest, long-time friends, Ofer Golany, shared a conversation he and Ray had had shortly after Ofer’s father died some years ago. Ofer is a very spiritual person, peace oriented and heavily rooted in Judaism. He told us of how he and Ray had discussed the Jewish belief of what happens when someone dies.

In Judaism, Ofer explained, there is no hell - only a heaven. After death, there is a one-year transitional period during which a person’s soul is cleansed in preparation for his or her entry to heaven (do souls have gender?). Now, Ofer’s English is good (he lived in the US for many years), but he still selects similar words with a close meaning when translating into English and instead of cleansed, he used washed. “So”, he went on to tell us, “that launched Ray into the question of whether it would be a gentle or a heavy cycle, and would it be in hot, warm or cold water…” How very Ray! Ray’s conversations with Ofer helped him through that difficult time, and Ofer’s conversation with us helped me to understand what the one-year significance is.

On November 24th, I gave thanks for the time I had with Ray, however short, and for the role he played (actually, still plays) in my life. He was a gift to me and his influence will stay with me forever. On December 1st, I packed my car with my contribution to the memorial lunch and set off for Kibbutz Tzora where Ray is buried. I felt distant, as if I were keeping my emotions in a safe, sheltered place where the grief couldn’t find me. At graveside, some of those emotions poked through like an incessant child in dire need of attention, but I still seemed to keep myself in some safe, detached place, as if I were above it all looking down, feeling sympathy and empathizing with everyone there. I didn’t feel Ray’s presence…I felt more alone than anything even though I was surrounded by friends.

This morning, I awoke early after only a few hours of sleep. I felt a deep, heavy, engulfing sorrow in my heart and for a moment, I didn’t understand it - I guess I had dismissed the date because we had already held our memorial gathering, and that should be that, right?

Then it hit me, and I had the answer to my question: This is the date on which Ray died. The tears flooded and I once again felt the acute pain of his illness and death. He is absent, his place is empty and this will be the day of mourning for me, a day of remembering.

I went outside and stood on the stage he built (it doubles as a driveway/parking area) and relived the moment he first showed it to me (he built it single-handedly in one day while I was at work). I stood where he stood as he pantomimed a strum on his Stanley (the instrument in the picture at the bottom of this post), and then, with palms up, presented the imaginary audience to me with a joyful look of “hum? what do you say?” on his face, twinkling eyes all scrunched up in a smile. I looked at the unique wood fence he built around our property and remembered the music parties we held in this yard, how happy he was. I remembered the dreams we planned to turn to reality, advertising his ability to transfer old recordings to digital media as “reel to real,” and the logo we designed for Argaman Studios. With the studio up and running in our living room, he had begun building his unique, self-designed, sonically airtight studio in our yard a little too late in the season. When the first rains came, and they were heavy that year, only the foundation and the base of the outer walls had been completed. I came home from work and Ray sadly announced, “Joey, I built a pool.” Indeed, the structure was so tight that it had filled with water and none dripped out. He was diagnosed with brain cancer some months later.

The studio is gone and the area, once barren, is now filled with wild herbs and grasses. The citrus trees he nurtured are flourishing. The fence and the “stage” stand, and I have hopes of holding concerts and music parties here once the missing of Ray is no longer so profound and painful. For now, these words from It Wasn’t a Dream say it all:

“…but as long as my heart beats strong in my chest,
and as long as my memory stands true,
you will live on in this one little way,
and I will always love you.”

Forever as ever can be Ray.

Ray Scudero z”l (of blessed memory)

June 21, 1946 - December 3, 2005

This post is relevant not only regarding breast cancer, but for all other types of cancer as well. If you have discovered a lump or odd looking growth ANYWHERE on your body, please, PLEASE! Do not wait to take action.

An all too common story

I just heard another, unfortunately, all too common story. A woman who has found a lump in her breast goes to her doctor. The doctor recommends a test or two, maybe even a biopsy, but tells the woman there’s no hurry, she can do it at her leisure. The woman, being very upbeat and positive, is sure that this is a sign that the doctor believes it isn’t anything serious (the doctor may have even said as much) and so waits two, three or more months. Yes, go ahead, take that vacation you planned. No, don’t worry, you can do the tests after your wedding. Meanwhile, the lump grows and, by the time she goes back to her doctor, the situation is very serious.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard this story - and it’s my story too. Luckily for me, my tumor didn’t grow that much during the two months I waited–and the only reason I returned to my doctor was because the lump in my breast really hurt (which many believe is a sign that it is NOT cancer). By that time, although my tumor was small, the cancer had migrated into my lymph nodes - two were affected. I was one of the lucky ones.

I am writing this post to both men and women. This is my opinion, and my advice to you: if you or your partner has a lump in your breast (or any other place for that matter), do not wait. You don’t need to let it throw you into a fit of worry or monopolize your life, but do not wait, regardless of your doctor’s advice. You have rights, and you can exercise them. If your doctor says you can wait, tell him or her that you want to do it now.

Many different types of tests are available

There are ultrasounds, mammograms, MRIs, CAT and PET scans used for cancer diagnosis, and probably a slew of tests I’ve never heard of. All these tests have their place but can return false positive or false negative results. After finding the lump in my breast, I was sent for every test under the sun, one after the other. Each one came back negative for breast cancer. The only one that came back positive was the biopsy. I couldn’t help thinking about all the exposure to radiation and magnetic forces that could have been avoided if I had gone straight to the biopsy. Is it possible to bypass all those preliminary tests? I would imagine that if you insisted, it would be possible. Even when my doctor finally decided to send me for a biopsy, he wanted me to do a type for which it would take at least 30 days to receive the results. Thinking that a lot can happen in 30 days, and thinking that 60 days had already passed since I first found the lump, I told him that I knew there were tests available that return results on the spot, and I insisted he send me for that type, even though I didn’t know the name. He did. It’s called an FNA–Fine Needle Aspiration, and the results are returned within a few hours–much better than waiting a month. The only reason I was able to do this type of biopsy is because I insisted on it.

Later, while having chemotherapy, I met so many other people who had similar stories. We exchanged stories freely about how either they or their doctors didn’t realize how important it was to take immediate action. How by the time they did, the cancer had spread. Some had been diagnosed and told they could wait, and some had been told they could wait to do diagnostic tests. All were sitting there with me, doing chemotherapy.

Imaginis has a great explanation of the FNA. The article includes links to explanations of two other types of biopsies.

Good health to you!

An unusual conversation

Circa 1991, I’m having a conversation with my then husband (the first). We had just moved into our new home,  which put us at savings, zero, mortgage, over $300,000, bank account, overdrawn. Not my way. I had learned about (and fallen in love with) Achinoam Nini a year or so ago. I had heard about how she had gone to music school and ended up working with one of her teachers (Gili Dor), who is an amazing musician. My immediate reaction had been, “If I could only have the chance to go to a school like that…” I’m telling my husband that I’ve decided what it is I want to do in life - to study music. I’m crying, and I can’t understand why. It’s as if someone turned on the faucet. Tears are streaming down my face but I’m speaking calmly and I’m not upset. Very strange. For once my husband is supportive, he’s agreeing, saying that it’s a good idea - also very strange. But when the conversation is over, so is the dream. My husband turns back into a monster and life goes on as if nobody had ever said anything. I didn’t have the courage to bring it up again.

Synchronicities

Fast forward to late December, 2005. My third husband, Ray, has just died. I’m overwhelmed with grief and, back at work, I feel like a stranger who has never seen a computer (I’d been working with computers for years). More accurately, I feel like a ghost, a zombie. Not able to concentrate on work, I begin surfing the Internet, looking for some comfort. For some strange reason, I give in to the urge to click “Favorites” and there, among other links, is one that someone sent me to Steve Pavlina’s site a long time ago. I clicked over and start looking at his “Best of Steve Pavlina.com” list. Hmmm, there’s an article there titled, “How to discover your life purpose in about 20 minutes.” There, among other things, he tells his readers to make a list of answers to the question, “What is my true purpose in life?” He says to keep writing answers, whatever answers pop into your head, until you find the one that makes you cry and that’s it. The one that makes you cry is your life purpose. I’m suddenly lifted out of my gloom and I think to myself, “I don’t need to do this, I did it way back in ‘91. I knew the answer then, and I know it now.”

Fast forward a bit to early 2006. I’m rehearsing with Larry Fogel for our upcoming performance at Jacob’s Ladder and we begin to talk about how neither one of us reads music. Out of nowhere, Larry says, “Maybe I should go to Rimon.” I say, “What’s Rimon?” He says that it’s a really famous music school that caters to talented people. They accept anyone he says, as long as they’re talented, and it’s only about a 40 minute drive away from us. “It’s the school Achinoam Nini went to,” he says. I swear I hear bells.

I went home and almost attacked my computer. I searched for (and found) all sorts of information about the Rimon school. The next day, I called to see if I could submit an application. The secretary said not yet, but I could come to an open house. Not only did I go, but on the spot, I submitted my application. It seemed like forever before I received my audition date. I had no idea whether I would fall into the category of “talented.” I just hoped. And I didn’t allow myself to even think about the money.

Waiting, but not idly

While waiting for the audition date, I start asking myself what I want to do if I get accepted. Is my goal to become a famous musician (at the age of 54)? A composer? What? After all, I’ll have to decide once I’m accepted, I’ll need to choose a major. So I start asking myself what I’m good at, what is it I seem to do over and over again without even trying? And then it came to me - starting over. Now how do I combine the two and turn them into something I can passionately devote myself to for the rest of my life? Easy. By using my music to encourage people who are having a hard time, for whatever reason, to start over, to start anew. But why wait until I’ve finished school? It was back to Steve Pavlina’s blog where I read two well-written articles, How to Build a High-Traffic Web Site (or Blog) and How to Make Money From Your Blog. It was then that I began thinking about setting up this blog as part of my overall goal.

The chance to achieve my life purpose

To make a long story short, I auditioned, and the audition was a disaster in my eyes. But I was accepted, and it is a dream come true. The audition really was awful, at least one part of it, and the result is that my evaluation rating is rather low. This precludes me taking certain classes or taking part in an ensemble, but that’s fine with me. I’ll re-test to raise the rating at the end of the second or third year - hopefully, it will increase substantially.

When faced with the task of choosing a major, I decided to choose three–general performance, composition and songwriting. Each one is a challenge by itself, and taking three majors means it’ll probably take me 4 or 5 years to graduate but I don’t mind. It’s like prolonging a stay in heaven for me.

Fast forward to now: The first year was extremely difficult on so many levels. Going back to school after a 30 year break is never easy, but I also had to deal with old demons rising up, telling me I couldn’t possibly succeed, and I had to have surgery on my shoulder mid way through the year. I had the surgery during the semester break, and because it’s Rimon, all the teachers, fellow students and staff were so supportive. I finished the year with almost straight A’s, and am proud to say that I just received a letter telling me that I’ve been granted a scholarship that’s given only to outstanding students. It’s not much money, but it will help. The best part about the scholarship is the reinforcement and encouragement it imbues - the best ever.