Nov 03 2007
The first week of school and limiting thoughts
In Louise Hay’s book, “You Can Heal Your Life,” there is a chapter titled, “Where Does It Come From?” Here she tells us to examine our past and take a look at some of the beliefs that have been running us…in other words, limiting us, holding us back. She provides an exercise called “Negative Messages” in which you list all the things your parents said were wrong with you along with all the other negative messages you heard. About money, about your physique, and love and relationships, about your creative talents. Once these things are listed (she says it usually takes about 1/2 hour), she writes, “…just look objectively at these items and say to yourself, ‘So that’s where that belief came from.’” She then advises to continue by writing other negative messages you heard from relatives, teachers, friends, authority figures, church, and so on. She says that you should be aware of what feelings are going on in your body as you do this. These, Louise writes, “..are the very beliefs you have that are making you feel ‘not good enough’” and that, “These are the thoughts that need to removed from your consciousness.”
I find that when I’m in school, or more specifically, on campus, I can study and apply myself to an extent. When I’m at home though, it’s a different story. Once I get going, I’m fine and I revel in the task at hand. My problem is taking the first step and actually getting started with whatever it is I need to study. Physically and mentally, I’m encased with fear, and seem to find a lot of reasons for not sitting down to study. And the worst of it is that it’s not a conscious act. So what’s my fear, and how is it holding me back?
What I’ve done
Since I also had this problem throughout the first year of school, and because I thought it may have to do with organization or a lack thereof, I decided to take several steps. The first one was to regard myself as a successful, serious student, and as a musician. I then organized a desk/study area separate from my kitchen (which is where I’ve been studying till now), and adjacent to that, a music area. These are things that any serious student/musician would have. I like them, but still feel a bit awkward using them. I guess I’ll have to make a few changes over time so that they’ll be more “me” and I’ll be able to settle in. The other thing I did was to create a schedule. I have specific times set for studying that, if I adhere to them (more or less), would make my days very pleasant. Even so, something in me is preventing me from adhering to that schedule, and I don’t like it.
What I haven’t done
I’ve had Louise Hay’s book for years, seven to be exact, and have yet to try the “Negative Messages” exercise. When I first read it, the negative messages that the adults in my life had ingrained in me as a child were so clear in my memory, and it was so easy to run through them that I assumed that just thinking about them would do the trick. But the intense discomfort I feel when I know I need to study and don’t makes me want to find a solution, some way to get over whatever it is I’m battling and be through with it, hopefully forever.
What I will do
I’m going to give this exercise a try, and see if it helps. Somehow, I think it will–through several of the writing exercises I did with my grief counselor, I found that there’s a certain relief that comes with putting things in writing.
This is my study time, but I’m going to devote some of it to doing this exercise. I’m struggling to get started anyway, so I don’t think it will cause me to lose any study time. It may end up being a good investment that helps me to save time in the long run. Either way, I’ll let you know.