It’s about starting over . com

Late November, early December of last year, I asked myself what the proper date was to hold a memorial ceremony for my husband Ray, who had died on December 3, 2005. Because we sometimes use the Hebrew date of an event, I was unsure whether to use that or the Gregorian date. The appropriate date sort of revealed itself to me without my consent or participation. It’s now November 15th (2007), and I’m finding myself in somewhat of a mire of down feelings. It feels very much like grief, but because December 3rd had felt like the right date last year, I wasn’t expecting these feelings for at least another week or two. Puzzled, I tried a few things that usually pick up my mood (special tea, a trip to a local organic farm, an interesting movie), but nothing seemed to work. Just like last year, it suddenly dawned on me that there is a reason for this oppressive feeling: Not only did Ray die around this time of year, but my father also did. My father had been suffering from pancreatic cancer for a short time. Once he was diagnosed it was basically too late to do anything for him, so we just kept him company and tried to keep his spirits up. That was early November–I lived in San Francisco at the time, and he was in southern California. He was turning green (literally, due to liver failure), and his mood was as sour as his color. He didn’t want to see anyone which, for him translated to his not wanting anyone to see him. I went anyway because I felt I had to, and we had a nice enough visit. The school I worked for had a banquet scheduled for November 17th–Yitzhak Rabin (z”l) was the guest speaker, and my father made me promise to go. I did, and he died while I was at the banquet. So here’s me, not paying attention to the date (what else is new?), and wondering why I feel so down. Now that I’ve taken notice of these two approaching anniversaries, I’m beginning to wonder if there is some truth in astrology, that is, the belief that the positions and aspects of celestial bodies influence natural earthly occurrences. It’s just a thought, because it seems strange to me that I would physically and emotionally feel grief even in the absence of conscious acknowledgment of the approaching anniversaries. It’s a thought, and I guess the best thing I can do for myself is to notice the dates, notice how I feel, and allow myself some time to mourn yet again. On November 17th, I’ll light a memorial candle for my father, and say a prayer for all the people we love who have passed away. On December 3rd, I’ll do the same for Ray. On October 10th, I’ll do the same for my mother. Regardless of the struggles and difficulties, I love them still, and always will. In the future, I’ll try to notice the approaching dates a little earlier–maybe it’ll help me be more prepared.

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