It’s about starting over . com

We’ve all heard people talk about getting in touch with your inner child, with your feminine side and other sides of ourselves that sometimes get lost or ignored. But what if I were to tell you that the adult in us doesn’t always get noticed? And that listening to that adult could help us break bad habits and solve some nagging and serious problems?

Who is your inner adult?

Ever notice how, when you do something really well, or surprise yourself by accomplishing something challenging, you say “Cool!” or “Wow! Look at that! Awesome!”? We usually notice it because we feel good, and often say these things out loud–you might say it’s your outer adult, or might even feel it’s your inner child because it’s so much fun! Or maybe you’re saying, “Oh, that’s just me!” Well, that’s your inner adult speaking.

Have you also noticed that there’s a voice inside you that scolds, that puts down, that verbally punishes you and makes you feel guilty for things you’ve either done badly or not done but should have? That’s your inner adult too, and most of us not only don’t listen to it or acknowledge it, but also don’t notice it. What we do notice is that we feel bad…sometimes really bad. But the key to breaking some of those bad habits, or to solving some of those serious problems is to listen to your inner adult, especially when you’re feeling bad.

I must stress here that if your inner adult is being insulting or degrading, or berating you in any way, then you need to do some serious work either by yourself (such as outlined by Louise Hay in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, or with the help of a good therapist (shop for one!).

How to listen to your inner adult.

The first step to listening is to pay attention and to hear exactly what s/he is saying…you can’t listen to something you can’t hear, right? If you already hear that voice, then you’re on your way. If you don’t yet hear it, then next time you’re feeling bad, pay very close attention to your thoughts, to the things you’re saying to yourself inside your head. Why when you’re feeling bad? Because, unfortunately, it seems that that’s the time the inner adult shows up inwardly, when it’s time to punish you or to make you feel bad. When you begin hearing these things, write them down. You’ll see why this is important in a moment.

What happened to me

A while ago, I had a very bad day. It started out okay, but as is typical with me, I left for my voice lesson later than planned and so didn’t have time to do a proper warm up before the lesson. The lesson also went badly and, by the end, I was full of disappointment and feeling very discouraged. It was then that I began to notice my inner adult talking away. I was angry at myself and disappointed, and my inner adult was letting me know exactly why. But my me was feeling a bit sad, so I chose to try to make myself feel better. Amidst feeble attempts at encouragement (”everyone has days like this…” “it’ll get better…”) I did my grocery shopping and headed for home.

Once home, instead of studying, exercising, unpacking and organizing, I just put the groceries away, grabbed something to eat and plopped myself down and watched a movie..or two…or three. Yes, I love movies, and they always lift my mood. Mission accomplished…until…

The next day, my cat woke me up at 6 a.m.–he hasn’t waken me up once since we moved, so I was a bit surprised. He wasn’t persistent, but for some reason, I didn’t go back to sleep. I was actually kind of happy to be awake so early–I know I’m a morning person, so I knew it would be nice to get up and get going. I’ve outlined a basic study plan for the days leading up to the start of school (November 2nd), so I got up and got to it. I was in a good mood and really looked forward to sticking to my plan (I always feel so good when I do!) I started as usual, with really-good-tea (laced with honey and bee pollen), exercising, and then straight into studying. I like to start with vocal practice, but my voice was fatigued after yesterday’s lesson, so I decided to go straight on to what’s called “ear training.” It did not go well, probably because I have a serious ongoing problem with procrastination–i.e., I hadn’t worked on it for several days running…okay, a week.

I was having a lot of trouble focusing and I had a really strong urge to just walk away from it. But it was morning, my most productive time of day, so I made the extra effort. But the harder I tried the more I couldn’t concentrate, and I just couldn’t understand why. So I stopped, took full notice of how I was feeling, took a couple of deep breaths, and started again. That’s when I heard my inner adult: “Joanna, you really need to work on this every day.” “This is what happens when you don’t study regularly.” “If you would only stick to your study schedule, you would make much more progress.”

In the past, my inner adult was a very punishing presence. The put-downs and demeaning comments were meant to function as catalysts, but instead, they were extremely detrimental. Fortunately, I’ve been able to release this way of relating to myself–it wasn’t easy and it took lots of work over several years. When I heard my inner adult this time, I wanted to be sure I wasn’t falling back into the same destructive patterns so I wrote every comment down. When I read them over, I realized that, although they weren’t constructive or encouraging, they were accurate and not at all insulting. I do have an ongoing problem that looks very much like procrastination. But all my attempts to “…release the need to delay my good,” or to become more organized and disciplined consistently fail, and I VERY frequently find myself defaulting to trying to make myself feel better. In the long run, I always end up feeling worse.

What to do?

This time I took the list of comments, which are no more and no less than discouraging affirmations, and decided to change them into encouraging affirmations. Here’s the result:

1. Discouraging: I always leave the house late, I’m never able to leave on time.
   Encouraging: I feel soooo good when I leave early!
2. Discouraging: I’m late again. I hate it when I’m late!
   Encouraging: I love it and am so much more relaxed when I arrive early for an appointment or lesson!
3. Discouraging: I’m always procrastinating. I hate that I do that. I could be so good if I just stuck to my schedule.
   Encouraging: I release the need for anything that is unlike good. I deserve my good and I accept it now.
4. Discouraging: Time seems to slip through my fingers. I always take too much time to do what I need to do.
   Encouraging: I take the exact amount of time necessary to complete tasks to the best of my ability.
5. Discouraging: I just can’t seem to stick to my schedules. What am I doing wrong? (As I wrote this, it occurred to me that comment number 4 is closely tied in with this comment–I have little or no awareness of how much time it takes me to complete certain tasks!)
   Encouraging: I now increase my awareness of the amount of time I need to complete certain tasks, and thus, plan better. As this awareness improves, so does my ability to set realistic goals and create realistic schedules.

I re-read these several times, and realized that they are all very manageable things. So I decided on a solution and course of action for each one, and wrote them down too:

1. Solution: Increase my awareness of the things I need to do before leaving for an appointment or class, and thus be able to plan better.
   Action: prepare things in advance–maybe even the night before, and aim to walk out the door 15 minutes before I need to be on the road (the 15 minutes will give me time to load my car, check on the cat, go back to get my mobile phone and so on).
2. See number 1!
3. Solution: Remind myself that procrastination is a form of punishment. It often feels like a reward or like self-indulgence, but in truth, it is the way in which we put off our good because we feel that we don’t really deserve it. The immediate result might be a lifting of mood because we are probably procrastinating by being lazy or doing something we like to do, but the long-term result is a bad feeling and a frantic rush to make up for lost time.)
   Action: Release the need! Repeat, I deserve my good, and I accept it now. Do this each time I feel the desire to walk away from something difficult, or whenever I feel the urge to wander from my goals.
4. Solution: Increase my awareness of the amount of time I need to complete certain tasks, and thus, plan better.
   Action: Over a period of several days, log the amount of time I spend at various tasks, especailly the ones I need to do more than once in a while. Include the smallest of things (like washing up in the morning, or feeding the The Big Guy).
5. Solution: See number 4.
   Action: Use the log created in step 4 as a guide in planning my days and setting my goals accordingly. Because this will help me to accomplish short-term goals, it will also enable me to accomplish my long-term goals. Make an effort to stick to daily plans and schedules, but be kind, encouraging and re-affirming to myself when I slip.

Your turn!

If you’d like to give this a try, here’s the plan in simple terms. But please remember, if your inner adult is being insulting or degrading, or berating you in any way, then you need to do some serious work either by yourself (such as outlined by Louise Hay in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, or with the help of a therapist (remember to shop for one!) Your inner adult should be your best friend.

1. ID what’s wrong: Listen to what your inner adult is saying and write it down.
2. Turn every negative into a positive: Next to every discouraging affirmation, write the same thing but in encouraging and supportive terms.
3. Decide what needs to be done to achieve the encouraging affirmation: After re-reading the list several times, write a solution for each affirmation.
4. Decide exactly how to achieve each solution: Create an action item for each solution.
5. Work on those action items every day!

That’s it! It worked like a charm, and I’m here to tell you that it feels like some kind of heaven to change those old habits. The best part of all this is that my increased ability to effectively schedule my days has completely done away with any procrastination. I hope it works that way for you too.

Big smile!

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