It’s about starting over . com

I would like to share a really bad experience I recently had with you all. I want to share it with you because these things happen. They come at you from places where you might not expect them and because of that, they can be extraordinarily shocking. They can also be extremely hurtful for anyone, but for someone who comes from a difficult background, or is struggling hard to overcome something, they can be close to devastating. I want people to read about this and to know how important it is to not let anyone knock you down in your efforts. That regardless of things other people might do or say, you have rights, and you must persevere.

At the end of this post, you’ll find a decision I’ve made regarding this incident–it’s something I’ve never done before, and you will also find a piece of wonderful news. Read on…

My time at Rimon

As most of my readers and all of my friends know, I’ve spent the last three-plus years studying at The Rimon School of Jazz and Contemporary Music. I’ve often referred to my experience there as Heaven, and overall, it has been. It’s also been the preparation and springboard that I needed to enter the Berklee College of Music, which I will do this fall. Throughout this time, I have had the steady support of the staff and administration at Rimon and I have learned an immense amount during my time there, both about music and about myself. But it has not been a smooth ride at all. Going back to school at the age of fifty is never an easy thing, and because of this, the support I found at Rimon and among my family and friends has played a major part in my success.

But people who strive to drive forward will always run into individuals who, for some reason, feel the necessity to come down hard on them and make a desperate effort to…I don’t know what, maybe boost themselves or find some relief for their own feelings by hammering you down. I experienced this with one of my last bosses in a technical writing job just before I enrolled in Rimon, and from time to time, I’ve witnessed this type of behavior among a couple of teachers at Rimon. Two days ago, I tasted it personally.

Okay, evidently, I brought in a botched assignment. To say it wasn’t one of my more successful works is an understatement. But the teacher had been prodding the students in the class to bring in homework assignments–many of them just don’t. I do and, until two days ago, this teacher had been pleased with my work. He even went so far to say that one assignment was of such a high level that, with only a bit of minor tweaking, it would be professional–a real “it.” This last assignment was a doozie for me, and I wanted to apply my creativity to a certain challenge that I had a lot of questions about. But I chose to bring it in even though the result was bad so that, at the very least, the teacher would know that I was working. I actually invested over a full week of thought and effort in this assignment, not to mention a lot of erasing!

The attack

Evidently the result rubbed this guy the wrong way. After hearing my work in class, he simply exploded. I wouldn’t say he went into a rage because the signs of rage or anger weren’t there–no red face, no steam escaping from his ears, etc. But he put me down in the harshest of terms stating that it was obvious that I had no grasp of the first-year material (this is the second-year class in this subject) and saying that I basically know nothing. When I repeatedly asked him to explain why, his replies were inaccurate and I showed him within my work exactly why–with one exception, he had no comeback. After a couple of rounds like this, he said that another teacher at Rimon who not only used to be the main teacher of this subject but was considered one of the best, had decided to quite because of students saying to him, “explain to me why it doesn’t work.” Excuse me, but isn’t that what a teacher does? When students get something wrong, aren’t they supposed to teach them how to do it right?

And my biggest question is this: How can a teacher who has given only positive feedback about a student’s work turn on a dime and tell the student, based on one bad assignment, that they know nothing? How is it that my first year teacher in this subject, who is a highly respected teacher and musician, gave me a B in the course if I know, understand and grasp nothing?

The bigger question though is the more important question. Why humiliate a student? What is the purpose? What good does it do? As a teacher (I taught classical ballet for many years) I have always taken the Latin, “Primum non nocere,” “First do no harm” to be my credo. Ideally, this would be the goal of all teachers or, even better, all people. Say, “wow, this really isn’t up to your usual level,” or, “meet me after class and we’ll discuss it.” But humiliation in front of one’s peers? Why?

Perseverance

I persevered with this teacher and did get him to talk with me further. He complained the entire time that I was using up his break time, but I did get him to talk with me in a more rational fashion. He was blatantly honest with me and did have some points about the work, and about what my work showed. I thank him for that because in the long run, it’s the honest opinion that does us most good. People who tell us that we’re wonderful just because they love us and don’t want to hurt us, in the long run, do us harm. But there is never, ever, any good reason to humiliate anyone, especially not in the presence of their peers. Throughout the conversation, the teacher repeatedly implied that he will give me a failing grade. At the time, I was under the impression that this would harm my ability to attend Berklee so I was frightened, to say the least. He explained to me that my only way out of this is to convince him that I understand the first-year material. Wait a minute, isn’t that what I did by acing assignments until now? What does it say about him that he would take such a drastic turnaround like this? Wow, I certainly had a lot to think about.

The decision

All things considered, I’ve decided to file a complaint about this teacher. I have gathered the assignments I turned in to him (luckily I’ve kept every one) throughout this year and they are good. Also luckily, I have a full and clear recording of his humiliating verbosity because, with his full knowledge, I record every class. Sunday, first thing, I will call the dean of Rimon and make an appointment. I’ve decided to do this for several reasons, one being that it’s really a shame that this type of behavior should take place in what is otherwise such an amazing school. Another reason is that I hope to prevent his doing this to other students. I will not wait until I’ve received my grade from him because I don’t want it to look as if I’m complaining because he gave me a bad grade. To my great joy, I’ve discovered that I don’t need his good grade to attend Berklee, that absolutely nothing of consequence is riding on his giving me a good grade so I really have nothing to loose. And as to his ultimatum that I “convince him that I understand the first-year material,” I say poppycock. I will convince myself. Let him give me an “F.” Humiliation of a student in fromt of his or her peers is abuse. No one has the right to abuse another person, most especially a person who is in a position of authority such as a teacher or a boss.

The good news!

Boy, talk about synchronicities! Shortly after all this happened, the rest of my financing for attending Berklee came through! Thanks to the help of a few extraordinary Angels (one special one in particular), my COA is now 100% covered for the first year. And as if this wasn’t enough, just a few minutes after receiving this news, there was a knock on my door–it was a delivery of shipping boxes that I hadn’t arranged for. If that isn’t a message from the Universe, I don’t know what is.

I often find that when I’m out and about and in an appreciative mood, people tend to give me things. I never expect it, they just do it for no apparent reason. It usually happens when I’m buying something I need, and the merchant will just throw in something extra or knowingly (they always tell me) not charge me for something. Today I was buying some green chard in a health-food store and after I paid, the owner said, “and help yourself to a fresh loaf of bread on the way out.” What a nice gesture! I did, and yes, it is fresh!

I needed to run some errands this morning and had decided to do them on foot instead of by car. I spent two hours walking around, popping in to various stores, pricing things, just looking. It was really nice. On the way back, I passed two little girls about two blocks from my home. They were both sitting on bikes and the older one was calling, “Eeeeeeemaaaaa,” (mommy) repeatedly in a pay-attention-to-me tone. The younger of the two was echoing the older’s call, but her face was glowing, her eyes were beaming, her tone was entirely different, and she held the handlebars of her bike in a posture of great pride. As I approached she looked me straight in the eye and said, “Were going on a trip!!!!” She was so happy and sweet. Her excitement was contagious and she didn’t think twice about sharing it with a stranger.

Give and get

What can we give someone during the course of a day, and how much will it cost us? A smile? A greeting? A CD? Half a bunch of fresh parsley or dill that will probably spoil and get thrown out anyway? If you believe that what you give out is returned to you, then giving will never cost–quite the opposite, you may even profit in the long run.

Unexpected gifts quite possibly the best kind!

Placement rating–raised!

I recently did a test at school to raise my placement rating (every applicant is evaluated in several areas and a number rating indicates the level). When I originally auditioned for the school, I was rated at 2-2-2. Not a high rating, but enough to get me in and get me started. But it’s not high enough to continue in the vocal department beyond the official first year, or to take part in many important classes. My performance in this test was good enough to raise my rating to 4-4-4-3, a substantial improvement. This enables me to take a lot of classes that I couldn’t otherwise take, and to take part in an ensemble. After reviewing the list of ensembles, I decided that there is only one I want to be in–it’s called Gospel Jazz. BUT, the rating requirement is 4-4-4-4. Hmmm, what to do? Push for it? Let it go and audition for a different ensemble? I decided to make an appointment with the head of our vocal department (Iris) and discuss it with her. After all, she had been very supportive during my test, and had even written some really nice comments on the results page.

Conversation with Iris

Iris was running late–she was busy with auditions and tests. I waited for over an hour to speak with her–that’s me. Once I decide I’m going to pursue something, there’s no leaving without doing what I came to do. I think I would have stayed there all night if necessary. Thank God it wasn’t !

When we finally met, I explained to her that I really want to be in Gospel Jazz, but that my rating is just a bit too low. She spontaneously and immediately reacted by saying, “So go audition for it! If Ofer (the director) feels you’re right and ready for it, he’ll take you.” Wow, I thought, that’s about as simple as it gets! I had anticipated begging, tears, an hour-long conversation–the whole thing was over in less than five minutes. When I said, “wow, that was fast!” and she said, “yeah, but you had to wait over an hour to do it.” I said, “actually, I’ve waited more like twenty years.” that’s how long it’s been since I said, “If I could have the chance to go to a school like that….” We both laughed.

Preparation for the audition

I got the material (four songs, two to learn by ear and two from scores) and, due to my move, didn’t start working on it until about a week before the audition. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the material is very advanced, and yes, way over my head. Gospel yes, jazz, yes. Complicated rhythms that I’ve never seen or tried. I resolutely dissected the rhythms as if I were in my second-year rhythm class and, slowly, it began to sink in. Eventually, I put the words and tune to the rhythm, and then realized that it really was a long shot. Then there was a funny synchronicity: I logged on to my own blog and there was the post about Liza Minnelli! I re-read it and my own blog post gave me inspiration :-).

The music, is it really me?

I really like this music! The words don’t always resonate with me, for example, in Breathe Into Me Oh Lord (Psalms 119:25), the words,

Condemnation tries to hold me, like a prisoner in chains. And the weight of my burdens is calling out my name. That’s when I lift up my voice to worship you…”

are very NOT me. I’m not a foxhole believer, that is, my spirituality isn’t something that I feel deeply when times are hard. I feel it all the time and am grateful and full of love and spirituality all the time. My prayers are constant, as is my spirituality (no, I wasn’t always like this). But I do like the music, and I can feel the underlying intentions.

The decision

So, sitting among the boxes that still take up most of the floor-space in my apartment, I considered my options:

1. Quit. don’t audition this year. I can sign up to audition for it next year when I surely will be much better. The only advantage I could see here is that it would free up some time and take some of the pressure off. 
2. Go through with it even though I might fail. The advantages start with the fact that I might actually get in! If I don’t, then:
   • I could get a feel for this particular ensemble and this particular director. There’s a certain relief in making an unknown a familiar. It would make auditioning easier next year.
   • I’ll have a better idea of what I need to focus on and develop this year if I really want to get into the ensemble next year.

Liberation!

I decided to go ahead and audition, and to just have fun with it all. Sometimes the knowledge that you don’t really have anything to lose can be very liberating! I released all the pressure of needing to succeed and began to sing from the heart. I recorded myself a few times and was able to find the parts that really needed work–some I was able to fix, some is still a challenge. The day before the audition, I didn’t practice or review the material. I just relaxed and didn’t worry about it–after all, I really had nothing to lose. If I got in, great! If not… I reminded myself that what is meant to be will be, and that there is another very good ensemble that I can take part in this year instead of Gospel Jazz.

Okay, decision made. I put my all into learning the four songs we were told to learn for the audition, two from the scores and two by ear from a recording. I almost can’t believe how much I learned by doing this! I learned to deal with new rhythms, runs and other things I had never tried before. I ID’ed several of my musical shortcomings and now have a list of things I want to work on. The whole process was a real challenge and I enjoyed it! By audition date, I was as ready as I could be, and very relaxed.

Not nervous

Why was I so at ease? You’d think I’d be nervous, right? I tried to understand why I wasn’t tense, worried or nervous–it couldn’t be because I had learned the parts so well that I knew I was a shoe-in because I was still tripping over a lot of them. Maybe the thought that I most likely wasn’t going to be accepted brought on the calm–that’s the most logical conclusion. I reminded myself that I had decided to just go in and have fun, be myself and sing my heart out. After all, I do love the music, and I do love singing…

Audition day

The place was filled with the nicest people, some really good singers and some really great. Everyone seemed willing to talk, and it was really cool being in a room with so many people who are exactly like me….well, except for age. That didn’t seem to mater though (as usual). After a brief explanation by the director, we were asked to wait in the alcove by the door. When the first group of four (soprano, alto, tenor and bass) went in, we all congealed around the closed door, listening intently and softly singing along–beautiful harmony filled the alcove. The young woman standing next to me had the most amazing voice, bronze skin, golden-flax hair.

I went in with the second group but due to a shortage in guys, we were already limited to one soprano and one alto (me). We sang, and both of us screwed it up here and there, but I did have a lot of fun! Ofer dismissed us rather quickly which I think could mean one of two things:

1. We were so good that he ID’ed us immediately as being appropriate and he didn’t need to hear anything more, or
2. We were so awful that….

Hold on a minute–let me take my tongue out of my cheek.
I’m guessing that I won’t make it in to this ensemble this year, but I do intend to audition for it again next year. Results are yet to come in, but I’m not expecting any surprises. Yet, for some reason, I can’t stop singing the songs or listening to the CD!

So, if not this, then what? There’s an ensemble called “The Eastern Orchestra.” We have a meeting in early October. I’ll be sure to post about it!